I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
