the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
