I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
