Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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