I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
