so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
