I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
