not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
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I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
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Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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