we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
