Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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