I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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