making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
