Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
