I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
