We're like a lot better than the average bears
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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