party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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