I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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