i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
