I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
