I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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