...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
