My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
