Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
