Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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