Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
