remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
