I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
