I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
