I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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