I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
