Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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