Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
