Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
