You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
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I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is