I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
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They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
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He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"