Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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