Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
