is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
