Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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