I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
