I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
