Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
