tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I am midnight drunk by noon
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
