A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
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at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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