Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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