So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
