i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
