My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
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Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best