I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special