my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.