Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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