bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
