u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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