So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
