i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
NoShamevember. You game?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
