It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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