Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
