party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
