i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
